So i know i don’t have alot of followers and im not even sure if anyone reads what i post and i know i haven’t posted in a long time but here we go. Well the last time i posted i said 5 days left until i decide. What i was deciding was if i wanted to continue living or not and as you can see by me posting this i didn’t kill myself. I understand some may think of my as lesser or weak for even considering this, but you really don’t understand me and what i deal with daily. Right now i don’t know if it was the right decision to stay alive or to have just ended but im here. I am going to try and become more active in my posting and try and force myself to be more social instead of hiding away being as im extremely introverted.
The reason i was going to make the choice to live or not can be summed up in a few different things. one would be after all the crap i went through in Tennessee and having to move home with out having work i finally managed to do something with myself and moved back out and to south Carolina with one of my very good friends. i really enjoyed it there living in our apartment but do to unforeseen circumstances i had to move back home to Florida and live with my family. My two older sisters both live around 15 to 20 minutes away from me and are always complaining that i don’t ever spend time with them or hang out and im just working so much yet before i had a job all i ever heard from them was how i had to get a job because i wasn’t doing anything with my life and no one wants to date a guy who doesn’t have a job and is stuck with his parents. Well now i have a job and im stuck living with my family unable to move out because the car i have works only 60% of the time and i cant afford anything better so im constantly dropping more money into it taking up a vast majority of my pay check. yet they tell me how i should just get a better car and move out and get back into school and just get a loan to help. and im already in debt. And my family where i live is alright 40% of the time. im expected to use my money when ever and on what ever they need/want just because i moved back home. they also harp on me about not doing alot around the house and im like when i work retail and drive 1 hour there and back i don’t have energy to do anything once im home. its a chore enough to have the energy to play a video game. i am 21 years old and the still barge into my room and still try and control me because im under their roof so its their rules.
The main reason would be that i have a clinical depression. im not a ignorant person going around woe is me my life sucks. i know my life could suck a lot more, its has. but i just honestly don’t produce enough “happy” chemical in my brain. So everything just seems sucky or i just feel worthless and like nothing. and its not that i want to i try everyday. im actually happy with who i am and i accept myself i just cant feel the way i want to. to add to everything this has costed me relationships, let alone the most resent one i was in where i was the happiest i have been in a very very long time but in the middle of it i just hit a really really bad low and then the whole moving home happened then i had to deal with all my family issues then work issues then more depression issues and i lost my touch with reality and i escaped into my own mind, my shell if you will. im still not okay im really far from it im barely holding on like so close to falling and not returning which is why no matter how much great things happen it is really hard to smile or try to be back with her let alone with anyone. im close to losing myself and i just don’t now how tomorrow will be. today i feel like breaking down and ending it all tomorrow i might fell on top of the world and it is killing me not being able to know. i have tried to remove my self from the most resent girl i was in a relationship because i know how amazing she is and i know that she shouldn’t have to deal with someone like me who honestly cant say if he is alright. and i don’t want to attempt any other relationships because i don’t want to hurt anyone else or put anyone else in that situation. its even hard for me to have friends and hold friendships because i don’t want to be a burden to my friends or a bother.
if you’re still reading this im sorry for the long and depressing post, im sorry for falling out of contact with you, im sorry i wasn’t the friend/significant other you deserved but know that i love you.